How to Let Go of Past Hurts, Anger, Pain and the Expectation That Others Too Will Let You Down and/or Hurt You

Lisa Edwards
23 hours ago
5 min read

Woman leaning up against a window as the rain falls outside with blog title in text: How to Let Go of Past Hurts, Anger, Pain and the Expectation That Others Too Will Let You Down and/or Hurt You

We attract what we think about, if your mind is full of stress, frustration, hurt, anger, pain you are going to attract more of the same into your life. But changing your focus from all the horrid, painful things that have happened in your past can seem impossible, it’s all you know.

We all have different stories so you would assume that there is no one-size-fits-all solution to this conundrum. But even though the story is different, and the villains vary, the characters involved may be diverse, and the settings may be unalike, even the number of chapters it lasted differs… the solution may not be so different.

Your mindset is so used to what life has always been for you that it is now programmed to expect more of the same, it’s safer that way, if we know to expect the worst, we can protect ourselves from it much more quickly. But by expecting it we are attracting more of it, which is why it keeps showing up with other people in your life. Changing your mindset and your expectations is the only cure for changing the narrative of your life.

Changing your mindset is a simple-sounding solution but as most things that are worth doing it is not necessarily easy to do. There are several things you can do to make the process less overwhelming and more user-friendly.

Distance yourself from the reason they treated you badly.

People don’t treat other people badly because they are kind and loving souls, no, they treated you badly because they have their own issues and instead of dealing with them, they have lashed out and inflicted their pain on you. Do not take it personally. It has nothing to do with you. Their reasons make sense in their mind; they have justified it somehow despite the fact that you did nothing wrong to them. It doesn’t make them actually feel better, just a temporary feeling of superiority acts as a painkiller for their own hurt. It doesn’t have to be you, it can be anyone and once you have moved on, it will be someone else on the end of their venom.

Remind yourself this daily.

Realise that the relationship you thought you had, was not the relationship you actually had.

Warning - This one can sting a bit**

Discovering and admitting to yourself that the relationship you thought you had was just your version of it, and that their version was much different is not an easy admission. You put them first; they didn’t do the same for you. You would have done anything for them; they couldn’t even treat you right let alone do anything else for you. You thought they felt the same about you as you did about them, finding out that isn’t true and never has been is likely to be extremely painful but it is necessary. You saw the relationship the way you wanted it to be, not how it was. This is when you get to let it go.

Understand that not everyone is like them, good people still exist (you know this deep down because you see one every time you look in the mirror).

Don’t expect everyone to be like them, don’t assume that every person you meet will treat you badly, that all people destined to be in your future will live up to your (old) expectations. It’s time to create new positive expectations of people you attract and allow into your life.

Affirmations are a great way to change the narrative on expectations, try these:

The people in my life love and care about me.
I am surrounded by people who love me and want the best for me.
My circle is filled with empowering and positive people.
The people around me radiate positive energy.
I attract wonderful people into my life.
I am surrounded by people who enrich me.
The people in my life are positive and kind.
The people I meet are kind and generous.
Amazing people are naturally drawn to me.
I am mindful of the people I allow in my space.
I am surrounded by people I can trust.
I always work for and with wonderful people. I love my job.
I am a person people are naturally drawn to and want to be around.
I am grateful for all the people who have helped me along the way, people I know and the people I don't.
I am immune to other people's opinions.
I am surrounded by positive, supportive people who believe in me.
I attract good people into my life.
I now go beyond other people's fears and limitations.
I attract people who help me achieve my high levels of success.

Say these affirmations daily. You can say them all or pick one or three that really resonate with you and repeat them throughout the day, every day until you feel a shift within yourself and you begin to notice a difference in the people around you.

You can listen to Subliminal Video for these affirmations on my YouTube Channel

Some other useful tools you can try to help:

Journalling - can be a very useful tool for letting go and getting over trauma and pain. Use journal prompts - such as those below - to target the areas you need to address and work on.

What belief about myself do I carry that may not be true?
Whose voice might my inner critic actually sound like?
What am I afraid would happen if I fully trusted myself?
What emotional wounds still influence my decisions today?
What childhood memory still affects my sense of safety or worth?
What would I say if I allowed myself to express anger honestly?
When do I feel the most defensive, and what might I be protecting?
What does emotional safety look like for me in relationships?
If my younger self could speak to me now, what would they need to hear?
In what ways do I sabotage my own happiness?

Empty Chair Technique – this is one of my favourites. Stand up facing an empty chair (you should be looking down somewhat) imagine the person that caused you hurt, pain, trauma etc. sitting in that chair (this is great when you know that actually confronting the person is not safe/not practical/won’t be effective) now say everything you have ever wanted to say to them, say it however you want to say it, calm and clear, loud and shrill, shout, cry, swear, yell, bellow, sob, cuss… whatever you need, I once turned around, grabbed a pillow and began punching the stuffing out of it to get out my anger and hurt… oh my…..! it felt good and I felt so much calmer afterwards.

Therapy – going to speak to a therapist is so much easier now than it has ever been, you don’t even have to get a referral now, or leave home. You can book an online appointment and still have a face-to-face meeting via your phone or computer. If you feel that you need support as you go through this process of letting go then therapy is the way to go. *if you don’t connect or feel comfortable with your therapist request a different one – it is so important that you feel relaxed and comfortable for the therapy to really work (a good therapist understands this and will not be offended).