Accepting Who They Are, Does Not Mean Accepting Them in Your Life

Lisa Edwards
3 days ago
4 min read

Woman crossing her forearms in an X in a gesture to suggest 'no access' with blog title Accepting Who They Are, Does Not Mean Accepting Them in Your Life'

As scapegoats, or victims or narcissistic abuse we are told we have to accept who they are and I see it so often, particularly on social media support groups and victims who are struggling with what has happened to them, that some people think that accepting who and what the narcissist is, means resigning yourself to a life of being abused, mistreated, hurt, manipulated etc. It doesn’t at all, it means accepting that they are that person, that’s all. Accept that they are that person, and that person is in charge of their own behaviour and their wellbeing. They are responsible for their own emotions and their own conduct. Just as you are for yours.

One of the major keys to healing form narcissistic abuse is to understand that you cannot change them back into who you thought they were. That version of them, the one you loved, cared for, protected, supported and was always there for never existed. That version of them was created to turn you into the person they could use and abuse. They went to great pains to convince you they were the kind of person you need in your life, they studied you, your wants and need, your dreams and hopes and told you what you wanted to hear.

But I know from experience that when we love someone, we don’t want to give up on them, we want to help them become a better version of themselves or at the very least the version we thought we signed up for. You cannot change anyone, heck, it’s hard enough to change yourself, it’s impossible to change someone else.

They pretended to be someone they are not to hook you into their world of misery. They are stuck in a world of their own making; you don’t have to be. It was never your world, that’s why it felt so wrong, that’s why to you, it was a tortured nightmare you wanted to escape, you wanted it to stop. It was never yours; you had no place there. The narcissist in your life needed some one to carry the weight of their toxic emotions, they needed to see the pain on your face to distract from any feelings they had. Misery loves company, so they made you be their sidekick, an extension of themselves they could off load the misery too. Just like Oscar Wilde’s Dorien Grey who sold his soul and let the portrait of him in the attic take the punishment for his bad behaviour.

Don’t let their horrors take their toll on you.

Accept that they are who they are, accept that they lied to you about who they were. Accept that the relationship you had (whether it be a parent/sibling/romantic partner/friend etc.) is no longer what you thought it was, that relationship was only real in your mind.

As hard as it is to

a. Get you head around all that

b. Heal from the grief that brings with it

It is absolutely necessary to accept if you want to heal, the good news is that once you accept who they really are you will find it easier to not have them in your life anymore.

I know that cutting them out of your life is not easy, and they quite likely will do their very best to hoover you back in, it’s not an easy decision or an easy task, but this is your life we are taking about. It’s not about them, that’s what their life is for. Yours is all about you, at least it should be.

Woman in a powerful Yellow suit sits confidently on a sofa, with quote in text - ‘Accept people as they are but place them where they belong. you are the CEO of your life and you can hire, fire and promote accordingly.’

‘Accept people as they are but place them where they belong. you are the CEO of your life and you can hire, fire and promote accordingly.’

You have the right (and the power if you unleash it) to banish anyone from your life, you have the right to choose who gets to be part of your future, you have the right to refuse entry to anyone who doesn’t respect your rules and boundaries. You are the boss of you. You are in charge of your life. You get to make the decisions.

You owe them nothing, you owe yourself everything.

If you are not yet free of your narcissist, please, please make sure you are safe at all times, get help, get support. If you have not got any support around you (Narcissists often isolate their victims from an support, you are not alone in this) speak to a therapist or go on live to find support in your area. There is a ton of help and support on social media, and @DoctorRamani on YouTube is wonderful at explaining anything to do with narcissistic relationships. Sign up to my website as we have some exciting new content coming including a series for reclaiming your mind after narcissistic abuse with a free mini e-workbook for a limited time only.