Why I No Longer Identify as a Survivor Despite Overcoming Past Traumas
- Lisa Edwards
- Jun 11
- 5 min read
Updated: Jul 27
I have spent over 10 years in the ‘I’m a survivor’ mode. Being a survivor is depicted as being so honourable, brave and empowering, that Beyonce and Destiny’s Child sang a very catchy song about it.
Although I have to say that going through the trauma did not feel very honourable or brave and whilst it was extremely empowering to finally remove myself from the situation, it took every-little-bit of strength I had, and it stole the next ten years for recovery and the rebuilding of my life.
The very first step of becoming a survivor is to realise that you have been a victim. What? How do you not know you’ve been a victim?
Some traumas are obviously traumas, plain to see for the victim and for the people around them. Whether it be a one-off trauma such as an attack, a robbery or a major accident/incident or being exposed to a longer trauma such a war.
But for some victims it is not obvious, life has always been this way, it is a normal way of being. You feel that you deserve to be treated that way because you always do things wrong, you are not as good as other people, you are not worthy of people's time and kindness.
This is the mental/emotional abuse that keeps its victim completely unaware of its existence. It is sometimes paired with physical abuse, but the savvy narcissist will never or rarely use physical violence as they know that they can be exposed for what they are, there will be evidence to support the victim.
They create a charming and fun-loving persona for themselves that they wear in front of others, ensuring that everyone around them sees how fabulous they are, how generous and helpful they are. Then to that one person – their victim – who they have chosen very carefully and they will even have some fantastical justification in their head - they will gaslight, taunt, laugh at, threaten, and use a drip, drip, drip method of messages telling their victim they are unworthy, useless, stupid, not good enough, ugly, unattractive, messy, fat, powerless, lazy, etc. these work just like affirmations, the victims own narrative changes in to the messages they have been receiving. They become that person, they believe all of those debilitating and disempowering words. The narcissist will deprive their victim of love one minute and the next they are declaring their undying love. They watch for the best time to strike, if the victim is resistant, they are loving and kind building up trust, if the victim is upset, unwell, tired or even very happy they sense that defenses are down, and this is when they strike. They keep going until they feel they have had a victory, knowing that the victim is now so weak they could not possibly strike back.
It took a long time and some very painful therapy sessions to understand that it was nothing to do with me and that I had spent my whole life as a victim of narcissism until the day I became a survivor.
Then for ten long years, I was healing as a survivor of abuse. It has been such a journey, I now feel lighter, freer, happier and calmer than ever before. But I have also closed myself off, aware that there are still narcissists out there. I am wary of meeting new people as I now have an inner narrative that I cannot trust anyone. And that’s a journey I am still on and will be for a while yet I expect. But that’s to be expected when you have been abused by those who are supposed to love you the most.
The thing that comes as part of being brought up as a constant victim is that you cannot help but have a victim mindset. A victim mindset drains you; it depletes you of your energy and your self-esteem falls away.
To cut those ties to the hurt, pain, anger and everything else associated with the traumas suffered is the only thing that will truly free us. But how? This was my question. So, I started to research it but everything came back to changing from a victim mindset to a survivor mindset.
The survivor mindset is one of strength, yes. But also, of being guarded, being vulnerable to attack, defenses at the ready. It takes an awful lot of energy to live in survivor mode; you are in a constant state of fight, flight or freeze.
To have a survivor mindset you must at first have been a victim.
I am getting tired again, tired of living with this constant reminder that I was a victim. Being a survivor is exhausting. It’s a battle. Yes, the good days become more normal, and the bad days get fewer, but they are always lurking in the background. And you know they are still there because you have blockages stopping you from moving on. Whether it be giving up one of your coping mechanisms – smoking, drinking, over-eating etc. You just know that there are leftovers of the old negative narrative sculking around in the back of your mind and just when your defenses are down, they strike, just as they were programmed to do. And you shoot right back into a victim mindset.
“It is time to be free from the role of victim.” - Don Miguel Ruiz
Victims are often encouraged to wear their survivor badges proudly, but they just serve as a reminder that someone we loved and cared about, didn’t love or care for us. A reminder that they had such little regard for us that they used us, abused us and then discarded us when we weren’t useful to them.
I no longer want to identify as a survivor so it’s an empowered mindset I am after. An empowered mindset is fueled by positive energy, supported by a positive inner dialogue and a ‘nothing is impossible’ attitude. Yes, that will do nicely.
I figure that this is just the next step, and it surely can’t be any harder to do than what I have already overcome. To get me started I have booked myself a therapy appointment, and written this blog (great therapy, I connected lots of dots as I wrote this). I will continue to read, write and talk until I am as free as I can be, I encourage anyone else who feels the same to do the work to be free of it, you deserve a good life, and you can make the rest of your life what you want it to be.
Changing from a victim mindset to an empowered one is not easy but is absolutely essential if I or anyone like me wants to move past their traumas and live a life that is not still caught up in the past. It is one I highly recommend.
I hope you enjoyed reading 'Why I No Longer Identify as a Survivor Despite Overcoming Past Traumas' if you di you may enjoy:
Comments