The Narcissists Prayer and Why It Resonates with So Many of Us

I recently came across the Narcissists Prayer, and it made me laugh, not because it was funny, it’s really not, but because I have a text message from a family member that basically says the same thing.

First, I’ll share the prayer then explain what I mean.

The Narcissists Prayer

That didn’t happen

And if it did, it wasn’t that bad

And if it was, that’s not a big deal

And if it is, that’s not my fault

And if it was, I didn’t mean it

And if I did, you deserved it

I have known for a long time that at least one family member is a narcissist in the true sense of the word, and I have spent a long time not knowing that others are too, they either covered it up better or maybe I didn’t want to see it. Then one day last year I was ghosted over a big family event, and they contacted me months and months later as if nothing had happened, I told them how hurt I had been at what they did and that I no longer wanted any part in their games.  I made it clear that I am out of the relationship. I wasn’t rude about it and I even wished them well. I had finally seen them through different eyes and had time to assess previous things that had happened and the conclusions I came to were that:

a)      What they did was too big, there was no coming back from it, the damage to the relationship was irreparable.

and that

b)     I really wished I had seen it earlier, because this was not the first time, I’d had been shown who they are before, I had just chosen not to see it.

Due to the physical distance and the obvious reluctance they had for using the phone this was done on a text message and I am so glad it was, because as any person who has been on the end of a DARVO response (Deny – Attack – Reverse Victim & Offender) will know that the barrage of word can be overwhelming, the lies come thick and fast, the twisting the truth, the answering different questions to those asked or addressing things aren’t even relevant are all part of the desired outcome, which is confusion, bewilderment and overwhelm leading you to backing down and if they are really good they may even get you to apologise to them.

The problem for them in this situation was twofold:

Firstly, I had already done a lot of work processing the narcissistic abuse I had already been through, and even more time researching, learning about, observing and understanding the narcissist and their strategies and tactics.

Secondly, this was on a text message, to be read at my leisure. I didn’t have to react and respond as I would have felt the need to do on the phone. The confusion is caused not just by the words, but by the delivery of the words, it’s the tone, and the speed, that add to the overwhelm, without those, the words were easier to read, and digest.  The intention stood out clear as day. There was no apology, no responsibility taken, no accountability accepted. Denial, Attack, Reversing the Victim and Offender. It was all there in black and white. The Narcissists Prayer, playing out in my inbox… if I had have had any doubts whether I had done the right thing… they were gone, I undoubtedly had my answer.  

I know I am not the only one to experience this type of response from a ‘loved one’ It is thought that up to one in six people are narcissistic, each one of them has at least one victim, some have many, yet so many people are unaware that what they are experiencing is emotional and psychological abuse. Anyone who makes you second guess your reality is playing mind games for their own benefit, that’s abuse.

Accountability, empathy and responsibility are not traits that narcissists are familiar with for themselves, and they will avoid them at all costs. They like to shift any blame onto others, and like nothing more than holding others accountable for their actions, and will do everything they can to get others to take responsibility for their wrong doings and they desperately want others to ignite other people’s empathy when they decide to play the victim card, in fact they depend on it and will react badly if they don’t. Their demands are to be met at all times.

They will try to twist the truth until you don’t know what is real and what is made up. Know this, the only person making s**t up is the narcissist, and they do it to confuse you, to make you feel so unsure of what is real and what is not that they can convince you of the ‘truth’ they want you to believe. Make no mistake, this is not normal, it is evil and insidious. And yes, it is abuse.

If the Narcissist prayer resonates with you and someone you trust and love is constantly blaming you, twisting things, and making you doubt your own mind you could well be in a relationship with a narcissistic person.

There are lots of resources out there that can help you to determine whether you are or not and what you can do about it. Because you don’t have to put up with being treated so heinously. There are also therapists, but if you choose to go that route, make sure they are trained and experienced with narcissistic personality disorder before you attend as it is not understood by all and the wrong advice could do you more harm than good. A good place to get familiarise yourself and get clear unbiased information is a YouTube Channel dedicated to narcissism and how it affects its victims @DoctorRamani. She is an absolute legend when it comes to breaking down and explaining narcissism.

If this is something you know is happening to you or reading this has opened your eyes and you are just seeing things for the first time, please remember…

You deserve better and to keep yourself safe at all times

Remember, you are better than you think you are xx 

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